It's been over a year since my last post. So, so, so much has changed. I can't even begin. This may (or may not) be my last post.
This blog was an outlet for me. It was a place where my friends and I could share and write ideas.
But so much of that has changed.
I sometimes wish I could go back in a time. Fix some mistakes. Prevent some regrets.
I'm in such a different place. Only time will tell if it's a better one or not.
I have way too much stuff. In the move to Rochester I purged about 12 years worth of stuff, but I still kept a lot of sentimental stuff. This year I've purged more. If/when we move again I will purge more. I have a ton of sci-fi and RPG stuff. I think its time to put this up on e-Bay. Time to downsize my life.
With the exception of a handful of book (1st editions and such) I wish there was a way to get all my novels on digital media in a durable, open, reviewable, transferable format.
from: something awful
Expectations: After extensively studying the trailer for Legion with my crack team of cowboy librarians, I've concluded that this movie will deliver one of three things: A) A tongue-in-cheek remake of the classic Christopher Walken abortion The Prophecy; B) A complete and utter mistranslation of the Book of Revelation; or C) a brainless action fest with a higher bullet/explosion/body count than the inevitably forthcoming Rambo: Fifth Blood.
Reality: The correct answer, as it turns out, is D) None of the above.
I found out last night one of my mentors from high school, someone who had a huge impact on my life, died from complications in recovery post heart surgery. I will call him on this blog Mr. F. He was my advanced mathematics teacher and senior year advisor. He saw potential in me, and lent me his college Calculus books so that I could start learning Calculus, since at the time our school only had Advanced Algebra as the highest math course.
The sands of time continue to drop through the hourglass of life.
Well.
We're 10 years into the new millennium, "the future". My adult life thus far is encompassed by that decade. The decade where the innocence of youth was slain by the realities of adulthood.
Nerdwife and I were married in the last year of the 90s. A decade I look back to now with the fuzzy memories of nostalgia. Yeah times were tough and were not always the best, but I had the energy of youth and the feelings that nothing couldn't be overcome with some work.
The decade started with a fizzle. My first Presidential election where I decided to vote resulted in a political mess. No clear winner, President decided by the Supreme Court...the beginning of the Bush era and the decline of America. Only we didn't know it yet, illusions were created and fabricated and even to this day are kept in place about those 8 years and how truly fucked we were and still are. It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Then September 11, 2001. I'm not even gonna go there.
2002 was a year that hit me close to home. It was the year my life changed, forever. I was diagnosed with cancer. My life was paused for six months while I was treated and recovered. I watched two new friends die to the same disease I had, but I survived. The kick in the gut with cancer, is you're never cured. You're just in durable remission. Forever will I have a shadow in the background of my life following me. The shadow is uncertainty that I will or won't relapse. Or develop another cancer from the treatment or some other complications from the poisons used to treat the disease. Time helps, you think less of it. But its still there, it always will be, and for me it comes back during the dark, quiet moments of the night. It something a cancer survivor has to learn to cope with and deal with. Its part of the package.
2003 was a blur, just trying to get back into life. Nerdwife started looking at going to Graduate School.
2004 we move to Rochester. I got a job with an organization where my skills, I felt, would be put to helping people and making the world better. Rochester was a compromise. It wasn't a place that was first choice for either of us. It was going to be a way-station, a rest stop for a few years while Nerdwife got her PhD and I had a chance achieve a goal I've had of using my skills to help other people while still dealing with my "survivors guilt". And for a few years it was a nice rest, we met many new people, some who became friends. We took some trips, saw some real, live whales. Things were going good, the future was looking brighter. I started losing weight and became healthier.
2008, the dream became a nightmare, the rest-stop an oubliette. And we're still dealing with it. Its hard for us both now to trust anyone. Its hard for us to be close to people, since the people who did those terrible things (which one day I will talk about) to us were "friends". We're a bit adrift now, damaged. Still trying to sort out whats next and where do we go. What frustrates me is those people who conspired so elaborately to ruin our lives haven't done anything with what they won. They got what they wanted, and then they did nothing with it. Its caused depression, paranoia, I've lost all the progress I made with my weight loss due to depression and its damaged many personal relationships and friendships.
So 2010. It can't be any worse than the last 2 years have been. I'm hoping its better, I'm hoping this whole damn decade is better than the last one.
I'll be trying to make it better, its all I can do, dust myself off and try.
But seriously? WTF? Yeah I know, no posts for quite a while. Been summer, been busy. Had some distractions and issues. Plus I've been in a news cave, so nothings been really working me up enough to do anything.
Sure I've been raiding more, and could post a ton of stuff about World of Warcraft. But honestly, who cares? Its a bit inside and not relevant.
Let's see. Some changes in Rochester. I lost my beloved 2nd office at Double-Click when it closed, which was a while ago. But a new coffeehouse is going to open soon that could be a DCC-mkII.
I was looking through my written daily journal, which really hasn't been daily since 2006. I started my first journal in 2004, and it was full by 2005. This last one has been open four years. Looking back through it, it hasn't been filled with much joy. Seems like life's been in a bit of a holding pattern of suck. Time for a change.
Ideas are bubbling, plans are forming. We'll see. All I know is we've been in Rochester for the length of time we planned, and its time to move on. Sadly, its not under the circumstances to which we first moved down here. But a valuable life lesson was learned, sorry at the price of our planned future. I hope one day the people who did these things to us get what they deserve.
I can't think of anything to blog about anymore.
I blame Facebook.
And the self-medication.
Writing friends of mine have often told me to improve writing, do it often and don't sweat the formatting. My take is that the technical things, grammar, spelling, etc. can be polished over time but the hardest part is just getting the words flowing. I've neglected this blog a long time, so I'll try and get back into the swing of things. It might be hard. My favorite topic upon which to rant was politics, but the last eight years of Bush pretty much drained me. The next big thing is World of Warcraft, but that too has also been draining me. I finished 'Dawn of War II' and I must say I found the story enjoyable. I liked how they weaved progression together via a set of main plot mission and a good number of distracting side missions you could take. It also focused more on your squad and building them up via levels and gear than having to worry about resource management. I liked that a lot. My only gripe would be the limited number of maps. Granted each mission was a little different until you exhausted all the optional ones, which were basically of three types; defend, assault, assassinate. I would like to have seen more maps. But I can't grouse too much. The maps were beautiful, almost fully destructible and the last map was a lot of fun (the final storyline mission). It is relaxing having your squad, whose AI isn't bad even with the occasional bonehead maneuver, just hosing a tremendous amount of firepower into the seemingly non-stop waves of the Tyranid hive. The Orks, both deadly and comic relief, are fun to play against, especially to hear their commentary. The Eldar an elusive and annoying foe, just like they are supposed to be. All in all a great start to 2.0 of this franchise.
Its made me go back and re-play Dawn of War I, the original. I had forgotten how well done that storyline was as well and it is enjoying to replay it. I picked up the 'Blood Ravens Omnibus' and its ok, but basically just filler between the DoW missions. But its letting me scratch my major WH40k itch that I currently can't seem to satiate. I'm 2/3 of the way through the second 'Space Wolf Omnibus' and while Lee Leightner is different than William King, the writing is close enough to keep me interested.
I realized the other day that I'm starting to consume a book a week, a good pace for me. Even if it is just WH40k stuff. I've been reading some other books I've had lying around but never seemed to get to, stuff from my monster hunting phase. I have a couple of books from Nick Redfern. I'm still getting used to his narrative style so I'm not ready to pass judgement yet. I'm also digging through The Vampire in Europe which has been thus far very interesting.
I keep getting an itch to write a RPG module for something. But I think thats because I've been unable to make it up to the Cities to play with my Nerdpod due to a variety of life situations. I miss it terribly but have enjoyed reading their progress. Strangely my character, who is now a helpful NPC still survives.
I'm still adjusting to a few things in the real world. I just got over a nasty (for me, usually I'm not affected much) flu. Spring is finally here and I was able to open the windows and let some fresh air in my office at home. Work has been, well work, uncertain economics lurk on the horizon. Feeling a bit of wanderlust and starting to re-evaluate if this is where I want to be in my life. I know Rochester is done, its time to move on, but still working out the where. I'd like to go back to the Cities, the vast bulk of my friends are there, but maybe its time for someplace new. With the recent announcement of IBM's intent to buy SUN I think that is a marker that its time for me to consider a new way to generate income. Have to be careful with that one, since the cancer, I have to have health insurance and I can't afford it on my own. I need to have it from someone, since some places won't cover me (pre-existing condition) or will cover me, but for 4-10x the normal rate. Whereas if I'm with an employer (b/c of how health care works in America) I'm covered under a group policy and they can't discriminate against my 'pre-existing' condition.
Ah well, we'll see how the summer goes.
What can I say? Been busy with life, both real and virtual.
My guild, despite numerous set backs, is progressing. We're in to Heroic Kel'Thuzad. We've done Heroic Obsidian Sanctum with one drake up, and only 20 people (due to no-shows). We've cleared 10 man Eye of Eternity. We're working on achievement runs. We're working on crazy in-game shit (like voidwalker tanking).
The raid thing this cycle has been rough as hell. Its been a crucible that has revealed the good people and what they are made of emotionally. The raid and officer corp decided this raid cycle we'd be more 'hardcore', which means raiding more often per week and being focused more on progression than we had in the past. Its not been perfect, and its not been what some have wanted. We've been weeding out the unhappy ones who have been leaving (despite our help). As we've come to more of a balance the content has been getting easier as people are getting geared and experienced as well as happier, happy raiders are more productive. Some who thought progression raiding would be fun realized it is fun, but a lot of work, especially if your raid is like ours, learning together. Almost the entire raid is made up of people in house, and/or who haven't done the content before so we were all going through it together. This means a lot of wipes, a lot of repair bills, and such as everyone learns to work together. It was made harder by the constant attrition and as I suspected, but we've confirmed, the constant effort of an unhappy element in the officer corp who was actively trying to dissolve the raid and sour the guild. There was a lot of faux drama, people burning bridges as they left in melodramatic ways. We wish these people well, but the ones who left in a 'blaze of glory', well 'happy trails to you'. You're not welcome back. In the case of the disgruntled officer, his arrogance was so extreme he thought his leaving would cause the guild to dissolve. Well three people left over it.. All told we lost about six people in the last month or so for various reasons (real people not toons) but gained eight. The guild and the raid has been less tense.
Real life, well its hard to not be affected by the current economic situation. People are getting laid off and a hiring and training freeze. There is still a lot of work but now less people to do it. I'm only 1 of 2 Solaris admins full-time who take care of ~100 Solaris OS images plus a full project load.
Since the stress of my cancer, I don't put in a lot of overtime at work if I can help it. You need to have work and non-work separated.
Anyways I'll be trying to write more, but I have 3 blogs now (including this one).
So here's some music:
Almost unimaginable. Once upon a time 1000 was an incomprehensible number to us humans.
1 trillion numerically looks like this: 1,000,000,000,000 (1x10^12)
Google fails to give us an image of what $1T looks like.
Our money is almost a make-believe thing. The vast majority of us do not carry our wealth around with us, we just trust it is in a bank somewhere.
Its a make-believe thing with real impact.
I still can't believe we bailed out the Banking Industry with no clauses for prosecution or any kind of oversight. But I often feel like the only sane person in the asylum.
I know the blog has been pretty idle for the last few months. 2008 has been a year I'm ready to put behind me. Its been an escalating painful year, one bad thing after another, none of which were caused by anything we could have prevented. Its been a year of experience. Its been a year of declining health and an increasing withdrawn outlook and attitude to the world. We've broken off contact with most people we know, we have gone low-key because this year every time we stepped out and tried to do something or be ourselves we were smacked down.
Those people, all of them, who decided that we were enemies suddenly and out of the blue and went above and beyond in an attempt to destroy us, people whom we trusted and thought of as friends, will never be forgotten, nor can I ever forgive them. All of them.
This year, much like 2002 when I underwent my ordeal with cancer, was also a year when we found out who our true friends were, and for that I am grateful. These people are cherished and loved by us.
Our love for each other has been renewed and strengthened. We've been through a lot in the nearly a decade of marriage. We will survive.
2008 was going to be a year of dreams and hopes. We had a lot planned, but it became a year of nightmares. Stolen dreams. Crushed hopes.
I will not allow my spark of hope and optimism go out however, for I've been there and that is the deepest darkness. 2009 will be better, for there is only one place to go, up.
President-elect Obama.
A new chapter in our world has started. Lets try and work together to heal the country and reconcile our difference. A lot of hard work remains.
We've stepped forward, but the path is still long and difficult (Prop 8 passed in CA, so there was a small step back too last night).
Obama had a powerful acceptance speech:
McCain had an equally powerful and gracious concession (I would say it was the best moment of his campaign, not because he lost, but because of what he said):
and some U2:
Its odd. In talking to some acquaintances and friends who are of the conservative leaning...far leaning (but not religious leaning), I've noticed a theme. They're all convinced tomorrow will be the end of the world and there will be rioting in the streets. To quote one:
"If Obama wins, the racists will be up in a fit. If Obama loses, Detroit will burn."
A couple of them have even stocked up on ammo, as if riotous looters will be coming to their suburban homes.
Hmmm. I don't think so. In discussing this they said we as Americans riot over sports teams, and why wouldn't we riot over this election. Well, no one rioted when Bush 'stole' the election in 2000. Why would anyone riot now? Sadly more people care more deeply over sports games than they do over our government. So I feel rioting over an election is not likely to happen.
Is this really how conservatives think? That a democrat President and Congress is the end of the world? Is this what 8 years of the GOP hate-machine has created, a belief in conservatives that liberals are evil?
Maybe they are right, I hope to whatever powers there may be it is the end of /their/ world. Their world is a scary, hateful, fear-mongering, greedy place of corruption, ignorance, jingoism and constant terror.
I hope that world burns.
Was looking for this video (Kim Wilde, 'Kids in America', delicious 80s)...found this one...
THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
No amount of drinking can make me unsee that...
We'll see what happens.
I can't remember from 'Alice in Wonderland' which of the eat me or drink me did what, but rabbit holes to alternate realities are interesting.
In other news.
I picked up my fall/winter reading selection:
'Titanicus' by Dan Abnett (awesome god-machine battle titans! chapters are numbered in binary)
'Gotrek & Felix' Omnibuses 1 and 2 by William King (roughly 1200 pages right there)
'Space Wolf' Omnibus by William King (another 800 pages, but I've read 1/3 of it already)
'How to Write' by Stephen King; based off this blog entry
'Order 66' by Karen Traviss (Star Wars Republic Commando series, 'Hard Contact' was ok but a little weak, 'Triple Zero' was a lot better, and 'True Colors' was good, but not as good as 'Triple Zero')
'Paul' by Brian Herbert and Kevin Anderson (set between Dune and Dune Messiah, but the son is not as good as the father)
'Napoleon's Privates' by Tony Perrottet, birthday gift, almost done, juicy.
'Black Sheep' by Ben Peek, now that Nerdwife is done, I gave her '26 Lies 1 Truth' along with 'Fell' by Ben Templesmith to read.
I'm planning to get farther along than previous since I need to break the habit of reading before sleep. As it either means I read a page before zonking out or I'm up all night when I need to rest.
Obama is the anti-christ.
Ranks up there with the email chain letter my grandma-in-law received warning people to not go see the 'Golden Compass' because in the movie they 'kill God'.
Sad, yet funny at the same time.
...or so I thought. Five hours into the work day, which I thought was quiet and peaceful, I realize I've not checked my work email yet...
Then I wish I hadn't.
Scars, marks of previous pain and injury. Some can be seen. Some cannot. Some fade with time, while others remain visible indefinitely.
I have many scars.
