musings { On the subject of People and Institutions

or

How I learned to loathe people and institution.

The last few weeks have been dark, angry, frustrated, hopeless ones. I won't say in regards to what, as that is personal and not for public consumption. Its also been a growing period, harsh life lessons learned and absorbed. A further step down the road away from the innocence of childhood was taken. I feel I've stepped farther away from the inner child these last two weeks. Is this is what being an adult means?

We accumulate regrets, we have experiences that accumulate. At some point we no longer see the world through the eyes we once had as youth when the world was new, and we were surrounded by a network of friends and family that shield us from the harsher realities of the greater world.

I think when people reach this point can vary and is individual, based on life experiences. It also happens when you choose to let it happen. Some times it is forced upon you.

I'm not suggesting that adulthood is all doom and gloom, as it is not, moments of joy, happiness, hope, and experience still occur, but once you become an 'adult' you see things through a sort of prism. Or perhaps the prism that is put up to filter experiences to help us learn, grow and adapt is removed, or made thinner.

So this is what I was going to write. But I've reconsidered. The last two weeks have not been the best, rivaling , but not too closely approaching the dark times when I had cancer. I'm bitter. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated that I can't help.

But I also had a thought.

People and institutions only have the power you give them. I'm not going to empower my enemies. Hate is a strong emotion. It can eat away at you. I'm usually the type to if not forgive, forget. But something, people and place will be forever marked. I don't truly hate many. I dislike numerous, but hate, true searing hatred is only reserved for those who have committed the gravest wrongs against me, my family, or those who are my closest friends.

For 15 years I carried with me a hatred of a person in Junior High and High School who picked on me and degraded me to elevate his status as 'alpha male'. At my 10th class reunion in 2003 I met this person again. He was a broken individual, his life after High School was not a good one. He had a problem with drugs that left him mentally and physically broken. He was a different person. My hatred evaporated after talking to him after having not seen him for 10 years. I didn't pity him, he made the choices that ended in his state, but I no longer hated him. The suffering of others is not something I take joy in. I've never wished serious ill on my enemies, because I've been there, on the receiving end, and the feelings and pain are not things I want others to feel.

However, some I think deserve to know how they make others feel, but I've not found a satisfactory way to teah this lesson. While I would so dearly love the momentary sweetness an eye for an eye could deliver. That taste I've found, turns to ash and bitter.